Ugh this month has been HELL !
Yet its starting to get better. Mom has her Mojo back as I like to call it. I've been really struggling to find it lately, but I got it back ! And I am holding on for dear life to not let it go.
My house is finally looking like someone sane lives in it, maybe I will get around to inviting someone over this week.... we shall see.
I have had a lot of mental epiphanies this week, from recognising and acknowledging sources of anxiety, to figuring them out in my head... Processing !!!
I am going to refer back to my "mind palace" because I am not fully aware of the fact that I do indeed do this, maybe not in the way described, but I do have a way of compartmentalizing facts and emotions in my head, figuring out my thoughts and feelings, if I want to think them or feel them now or put them away to deal with later.
I am very good at putting things away to deal with later, just ask my Husband... this is something I do in my mind, and also emulate in real life. (Look at that... something I just figured out by typing it out in this blog... even if no one reads this POC I at least can get some good out of it)
I have been working the last few days on dealing with some of my stuff that I have put away for dealing with later.... That later is NOW... My bedroom is finally looking like a bedroom, my living room looks like people live in it, not simply "inhabit" it... I started taking my hubbies bachelor pad and turning it into a family home, and I got caught up in the making of the family and neglected the growing of my home....
It is all a work in progress, but does it make sense that I am finally falling in love with my space?
I am finally falling in love with myself?
I am finally allowing LOVE?
Pure ! Unadulterated LOVE !!!
Wow... I'm going to bed...
Saturday 8 March 2014
Tuesday 25 February 2014
Which Wolf...
I am a new member to a few PTSD support groups on facebook, specifically for women. We all have different stories, yet a lot of our symptoms are the same. I am extremely grateful for this group of women, today even more so.
I was in a really bad relationship in my past, its a time I refer to as "the dark ages" and other than that I don't speak of it. He was verbally, mentally and physically abusive.
This morning, I had a flash-back from this time, I was in bed, with Eric, Sharae and the dogs, just laughing and tickling and having a good time, which is saying something. A nightmare woke me up at 130 and I have been up ever since I have been awake, which was made even more fun (and thankfully distracting) by the fact that both of my sick kids were up with me.
Anyway, our dog Baxter, a wonderful dog, got defencive of me when Eric was tickling me, he is a very keen dog and seems to be this protective of me especially in times when I really am not myself. He actually went right over me and crouched over me getting between me and Eric. His leg ended up digging right into my rib-cage, which is still recovering from Teyla stretching it out and it ended up sending shooting pain through 3 of my ribs which were continuously broken before getting a chance to heal, over and over again.
In that moment I was not where I was, I was transported back years, to a moment and a feeling and an experience I wish on no person.
The fact that I was engaged in such a happy moment, allowed the full effect of a normal "flash-back" not to attack my soul, however that being said....
My wolves are slightly different than the 2 here, at least they represent different things, but the concept is the same.
We just re-arranged our entire living-room yesterday, some setting up and little organising needs to be done but the whole effect has been refreshing on my soul, and I really like how it has changed. I have a sick toddler who needs my attention, a kitchen that needs cleaning, and dinner that needs making. I can not, I repeat, I CAN NOT afford to be off my game today.
And then flash-back... anyone who knows what I am talking about, knows what I am talking about. Every fibre of my inner being is fighting the stress, the bubbling panic, the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.
So, here is what I am doing...
1: Blogging... and thinking... the two go hand in hand, I had this blog sort of planned out all morning in my head, fine-tuned it while putting Sharae to nap, and now, FINALLY I am getting it done.
2: Playing with my kids. They make me smile, they make me laugh. Playing play dough, singing songs, the list goes on and on... My children are the greatest distraction that I have.
3: hugging Eric, when he's home. I love the safety of his arms, the warmth and the strength. Not to mention hugging releases endorphins that make you feel good :-)
And here is the big thing, I did this last night, not sure if I for-saw that I would need this, but I made a list of ALL things I needed/wanted to do today. I cut up that list into individual pieces of paper, folded them, and put them in a jar. Now when I am having a moment, I can go to the jar, pull something out, and DO IT !!! Thus providing a distraction, getting something done, and the mystery of not knowing what I am about to be doing, lets just say I feel like I am 5 again.
Gotta get off the computer now and give the kiddo a snack, hope everyone is having a good day, and think about your wolves, and which one you feed today !
Saturday 22 February 2014
Full work-out post...
I've already said I did it. I set out a challenge to work out 30 days in a row. And I did. I am seriously so freeking proud of myself, and I have not lost the momentum. After my 30 days, I celebrated by taking a day off, I was dealing with a lot mentally that day as it was and that was exhausting enough, but I picked right back up and haven't missed a day since.
So here it is... This is what I was doing by the end of my work out. I started small, and eventually worked my way up to this, I was so woefully out of shape, but even this has been huge for me :-)
10 push-ups
30 second plank
10 chair dips
*I still do wimp push ups on my knees, same with the plank, but I will get to the real ones eventually. This is repeated twice ! This is for the arms. I am going to change/add some stuff for arms that involves the use of my 5lb weights (yes 5lb... its what I have hahaha)
This next part is for abs/legs
15 sit ups
15 crunches
15 bicycle crunches
15 v-up crunches
15 twist crunches
15 reverse crunches
15 long arm crunches
Followed by 30 squats (I was doing 50, but my thighs are getting bigger, and I'm not so keen on that, so I need to figure out something else for legs but for the time being I have decreased the squats.
I have recently added a Yoga sun salutation routine to the beginning and end of my work out.
So, after 30 days, what were the results. First off, a Challenge. Any body working out... TAKE BEFORE PICTURES... 4 pictures, from all sides.... and hide them away. Don't look at them. Also, take your measurements, arms, legs, chest, waist, etc... And then stick to it... whatever you do, stick to it for 30 days. You can also weigh yourself, but I really would not pay too much attention to this number over the next 30 days.
After 30 days, what did I see... My legs and arms had gotten bigger, but I also have muscle when I flex now :-) which is exciting. My boobs didn't change, hips didn't change, but the biggest change of all, was losing 3.5 inches around my waist at the belly button !!!
The fact that I am breastfeeding comes into play with the fact that I literally am not watching what I eat at all. Getting an entire caramel bar pie is not un-heard of for me, takes me a few days to eat but I am not holding back so far as calories are concerned. I am trying my best to fill my families stomach with whole healthy foods, as opposed to overly processed foods, the fact that we are going through about 4+ bunches of Banana's in 2 weeks for eating/smoothies/muffins not to mention all the fruit my toddler eats I'd say were doing pretty good :-)
I feel healthy, I have more energy, more stamina and more strength. I am also sort of fitting into those size 29 jeans a whole lot better than I was 5 weeks ago :-)
Stick to it, set your goals, and focus on the positives !!!
So here it is... This is what I was doing by the end of my work out. I started small, and eventually worked my way up to this, I was so woefully out of shape, but even this has been huge for me :-)
10 push-ups
30 second plank
10 chair dips
*I still do wimp push ups on my knees, same with the plank, but I will get to the real ones eventually. This is repeated twice ! This is for the arms. I am going to change/add some stuff for arms that involves the use of my 5lb weights (yes 5lb... its what I have hahaha)
This next part is for abs/legs
15 sit ups
15 crunches
15 bicycle crunches
15 v-up crunches
15 twist crunches
15 reverse crunches
15 long arm crunches
Followed by 30 squats (I was doing 50, but my thighs are getting bigger, and I'm not so keen on that, so I need to figure out something else for legs but for the time being I have decreased the squats.
I have recently added a Yoga sun salutation routine to the beginning and end of my work out.
So, after 30 days, what were the results. First off, a Challenge. Any body working out... TAKE BEFORE PICTURES... 4 pictures, from all sides.... and hide them away. Don't look at them. Also, take your measurements, arms, legs, chest, waist, etc... And then stick to it... whatever you do, stick to it for 30 days. You can also weigh yourself, but I really would not pay too much attention to this number over the next 30 days.
After 30 days, what did I see... My legs and arms had gotten bigger, but I also have muscle when I flex now :-) which is exciting. My boobs didn't change, hips didn't change, but the biggest change of all, was losing 3.5 inches around my waist at the belly button !!!
The fact that I am breastfeeding comes into play with the fact that I literally am not watching what I eat at all. Getting an entire caramel bar pie is not un-heard of for me, takes me a few days to eat but I am not holding back so far as calories are concerned. I am trying my best to fill my families stomach with whole healthy foods, as opposed to overly processed foods, the fact that we are going through about 4+ bunches of Banana's in 2 weeks for eating/smoothies/muffins not to mention all the fruit my toddler eats I'd say were doing pretty good :-)
I feel healthy, I have more energy, more stamina and more strength. I am also sort of fitting into those size 29 jeans a whole lot better than I was 5 weeks ago :-)
Stick to it, set your goals, and focus on the positives !!!
A busy day, and a few things to look forward to :-)
I have a lot to do today, but I am taking some time to write, because I am making it a goal to do this at least every other day.
March has 31 days, and I am in the process of making up a "game plan" of things I would like to accomplish and get done, learn, do etc in the Month of March.
I just recenly finished a 30 day fitness challenge (which was to excersise 30 days in a row, I suceeded). I am very proud of myself for sticking to it, because sticking to things like that, is something that I have struggled with greatly in the past.
I am re-activating my consultant status with Arbonne, a product that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I not only love the 35% discount, but being able to share this and be a connection to this amazing product for people around me, is an added bonus. I made the mistake last time of signing up just mere months after having a baby, and I am determined to actually have success in this business venture this time around. But more on that later.
I am starting to write and plan a series of blog posts on "products that I love". I can guarantee you will see a LOT of Arbonne in that series :-)
My one goal, is to make enough money to take an online Photography 101 class that is very highly recommended. It has been years since I have done anything so far as "school" where there is assignments and homework and stuff, but we just got a bad ass Canon camera for Christmas, its the Rebel EOS T3i and to be completely honest, I am TOTALLY lost. However in March, I am going to do a 31 day Photography challenge. So we shall see how that goes.
I have some sewing projects I would like to accomplish, my sewing machine has been sitting getting dusty for too long, and I am also eager to start figuring out how to use my new surger that is still sitting in the box because I am literally afraid of the thing.... don't ask me why but it just is such a whole new learning curve, and right now the thought of that fills me with fear, but it is a fear that I really want to face, because I still need to make a bunch of wipes, and a surger would increase the speed and value of what I am making by a huge amount. By the way, I have no idea if I am spelling surger right but there you are.
Tonight my husband is going to take the mattresses out of our spare room and put them in the basement for the time being, and I will finally be able to get in there and start setting the office up. Eventually the computer will be in there, but I can't wait to have a space where my sewing machine can be permanently set up :-) and making that space into a beautiful work environment is something that I am greatly looking forward too. I bought a Scentsy warmer for the office, I agonised for hours over which one I wanted, and it is sitting in the box, waiting for that room to be set up so that it can be set up as well and fill the space with the scent of hazelnut latte :-)
I have to get going, hungry kids are calling and so is my laundry and dishes. I promised Sharae we would make cookies today, and I know she is to young to hold me to that, but a promise is a promise, and I really want cookies !
Have a wonderful day !!!
March has 31 days, and I am in the process of making up a "game plan" of things I would like to accomplish and get done, learn, do etc in the Month of March.
I just recenly finished a 30 day fitness challenge (which was to excersise 30 days in a row, I suceeded). I am very proud of myself for sticking to it, because sticking to things like that, is something that I have struggled with greatly in the past.
I am re-activating my consultant status with Arbonne, a product that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I not only love the 35% discount, but being able to share this and be a connection to this amazing product for people around me, is an added bonus. I made the mistake last time of signing up just mere months after having a baby, and I am determined to actually have success in this business venture this time around. But more on that later.
I am starting to write and plan a series of blog posts on "products that I love". I can guarantee you will see a LOT of Arbonne in that series :-)
My one goal, is to make enough money to take an online Photography 101 class that is very highly recommended. It has been years since I have done anything so far as "school" where there is assignments and homework and stuff, but we just got a bad ass Canon camera for Christmas, its the Rebel EOS T3i and to be completely honest, I am TOTALLY lost. However in March, I am going to do a 31 day Photography challenge. So we shall see how that goes.
I have some sewing projects I would like to accomplish, my sewing machine has been sitting getting dusty for too long, and I am also eager to start figuring out how to use my new surger that is still sitting in the box because I am literally afraid of the thing.... don't ask me why but it just is such a whole new learning curve, and right now the thought of that fills me with fear, but it is a fear that I really want to face, because I still need to make a bunch of wipes, and a surger would increase the speed and value of what I am making by a huge amount. By the way, I have no idea if I am spelling surger right but there you are.
Tonight my husband is going to take the mattresses out of our spare room and put them in the basement for the time being, and I will finally be able to get in there and start setting the office up. Eventually the computer will be in there, but I can't wait to have a space where my sewing machine can be permanently set up :-) and making that space into a beautiful work environment is something that I am greatly looking forward too. I bought a Scentsy warmer for the office, I agonised for hours over which one I wanted, and it is sitting in the box, waiting for that room to be set up so that it can be set up as well and fill the space with the scent of hazelnut latte :-)
I have to get going, hungry kids are calling and so is my laundry and dishes. I promised Sharae we would make cookies today, and I know she is to young to hold me to that, but a promise is a promise, and I really want cookies !
Have a wonderful day !!!
Thursday 20 February 2014
Beads and Baubles
These have been interesting days, my mind is racing, and processing so much. And oddly enough it is not over-whelming me too much. Which is saying something because some of the stuff I am dealing with mentally is some pretty deep shit.
Lately I have had moments, where I lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes or so, and I got to thinking the other day, as I sat in our relatively un-used and un-practical master-bath, that if I was going to be sitting in that space, calming down, I needed to make it a space that reflected me, and inspired me. A place of beauty and peace. A bathroom....
I moved some shelves around fully cleaned all the fixtures and the floors. I printed off some inspirational poster things to put on the wall, to read in dark moments. I dug out my box of baubles and beads that had been put away when we were moving rooms around. Its been ages since I've seen these treasures. My daughter really enjoyed looking at each new bauble and squealed in delight at brightly coloured stones, a little Buddha statue, little glass bottles.
I made it a beautiful room, in which to make myself beautiful (daily routine stuff etc) and also a place where I could vent and calm down, and read things that inspire me and make me laugh.
Lately I have had moments, where I lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes or so, and I got to thinking the other day, as I sat in our relatively un-used and un-practical master-bath, that if I was going to be sitting in that space, calming down, I needed to make it a space that reflected me, and inspired me. A place of beauty and peace. A bathroom....
I moved some shelves around fully cleaned all the fixtures and the floors. I printed off some inspirational poster things to put on the wall, to read in dark moments. I dug out my box of baubles and beads that had been put away when we were moving rooms around. Its been ages since I've seen these treasures. My daughter really enjoyed looking at each new bauble and squealed in delight at brightly coloured stones, a little Buddha statue, little glass bottles.
I made it a beautiful room, in which to make myself beautiful (daily routine stuff etc) and also a place where I could vent and calm down, and read things that inspire me and make me laugh.
I am so very in love with this space, the flower I wore in my hair at my best friends wedding, My collection of Turtles from all over the world, a piece of broken ceramics from a jug my Mom used to have when I was a kid, a shell and a piece of coral from our trip to Vancouver when I was 4, a piece of lace that was hand made for me by a dear friend of mine.
This was a fun day ! I have also pulled my beads out to make some jewellry, but I'll post about that tomorrow :-) Good night Internet !!!
Tuesday 18 February 2014
Holy Mind Palace !!!
Yes I am Sherlocked.... and a Cumber Cookie.... a sherlockian.... if you don't know the significance of those words than you don't deserve to.
I was very impressed by the concept of a "Mind Palace". Sherlock has one, in his mind, a place, where he puts stuff... information, memories, SHIT !!! So you don't have to think about it constantly yet can go into your mind palace and peruse its contents at your leisure....
What an AMAZING thing !!! Am I not right?
So I researched it....
Here is a Link on the "Method of Loci"
And here is a Link for "How to Build a Memory Palace"
It really is fascinating stuff.
Then I realised, I have already got a mind palace. This is really no different from how I store information in my mind about my trauma, and put it away sort of until I am ready to process it. Its how I am able to put a source of my anxiety completely and totally away sometimes. If I leave the door of my palace open, anything can happen. And sometimes a breeze pushes the door open and lets stuff out but I have a place where I can put this stuff.
I am really kind of blown away at myself right now. I've managed this last week to really focus on a lot of stuff that has been causing me a great deal of anxiety, and slowly things are getting better, but at the same time it feels like it is getting worse. The door has been open for too long, and that draft is starting to chill my bones.
I recently came into some groups on Facebook, devoted to women like me who suffer from PTSD. It is amazing to see how they encourage each other through their day to day struggles, and how they know that it is a safe place to completely vent what is going on, because they are surrounded by people who know exactly what they are feeling.
I am starting to feel like I have a new lease on life right now, I just need to ease into things slowly, so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
On the work-out front, I took my first break after 30 days today ! Took my measurements yesterday, not a whole lot to report except for a loss of 3.5 inches around the middle !!!
Have a good night Internet !
I was very impressed by the concept of a "Mind Palace". Sherlock has one, in his mind, a place, where he puts stuff... information, memories, SHIT !!! So you don't have to think about it constantly yet can go into your mind palace and peruse its contents at your leisure....
What an AMAZING thing !!! Am I not right?
So I researched it....
Here is a Link on the "Method of Loci"
And here is a Link for "How to Build a Memory Palace"
It really is fascinating stuff.
Then I realised, I have already got a mind palace. This is really no different from how I store information in my mind about my trauma, and put it away sort of until I am ready to process it. Its how I am able to put a source of my anxiety completely and totally away sometimes. If I leave the door of my palace open, anything can happen. And sometimes a breeze pushes the door open and lets stuff out but I have a place where I can put this stuff.
I am really kind of blown away at myself right now. I've managed this last week to really focus on a lot of stuff that has been causing me a great deal of anxiety, and slowly things are getting better, but at the same time it feels like it is getting worse. The door has been open for too long, and that draft is starting to chill my bones.
I recently came into some groups on Facebook, devoted to women like me who suffer from PTSD. It is amazing to see how they encourage each other through their day to day struggles, and how they know that it is a safe place to completely vent what is going on, because they are surrounded by people who know exactly what they are feeling.
I am starting to feel like I have a new lease on life right now, I just need to ease into things slowly, so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
On the work-out front, I took my first break after 30 days today ! Took my measurements yesterday, not a whole lot to report except for a loss of 3.5 inches around the middle !!!
Have a good night Internet !
Wednesday 12 February 2014
Workout Update !
Little update, today I completed day 25 of my workout. I skipped one day, but cleaned my entire house, so it still counted as a workout ! I'll do another update post when I get to day 30, but I am actually getting excited about re-doing my measurements in 5 days !!!!
Something Huge and Magnificent
Today has been, seriously an amazing awe inspiring day. I can't explain it really, and I am still trying to process what happened today. I guess I am hoping that writing it down will help me kind of make sense of this wondrous feeling and electricity that is currently running through my veins.
I have talked about my anxiety. This post is going to be extremely revealing, so if your not prepared for a huge dose of raw Emma, then please, save yourself and stop reading.
I will start at the beginning. And I am not going into details unless the are specifically tied to the events that unfolded this morning.
I was raped when I was 5. This one moment, has defined EVERYTHING that has happened in my life from that moment. Anyone who shares my pain, knows what I am going through.
When one goes through such a traumatic event, especially at such a young age, it is bound to affect you, and if you think it affects you positively, take the nearest brick and smack some sense into your head. I have dealt with crippling panic attacks and anxiety since I was 5, and the worst part about it is, I did so silently. I was scared. The son of a bitch told me if I ever told anyone, that he would kill my family. He didn't even threaten me, he threatened what I love. It was years before I finally came out with what had happened to me, and started the process of healing. I have conquered anger, hatred, dissent, and so much more. It has been a very slow process, and it is a daily struggle.
My therapist explained "visual triggers" to me. They are something visual, that acts as a trigger. There are constantly triggers in life, that trigger what you feel, and how you react. A touch from a lover or a child for instance, triggers a desire or a longing, or a nurturing and loving feeling. Seeing your child smile at you, and instantly smiling back, that initial smile is a "trigger". However, especially for people who suffer from PTSD, and anxiety etc, there are visual triggers that will instantaneously trigger a panic attack/meltdown/vomiting/shaking/crying/etc...
But that is only part of the story. In my fight for mental stability, I have become a bit of a social recluse. I am perfectly comfortable staying at home and doing absolutely nothing, and talking to a few of my bestest friends on an almost daily basis, via either phone or Facebook. It also doesn't help that a lot of my closest friends with kids do not live in the same city as me.
I have literally found lately, that the thought of making new friends, and putting myself out their as it were, terrifies me. I can't explain it, I was always described as a people person when I was a kid but lately I really have had no desire to socialise.
That being said, I have 2 kids, and as much as I try to fool myself, I am not happy with my current idea of "comfort".
Part of dealing with anxiety, is that if there is a situation that causes you anxiety, you really need to think through EVERYTHING, and then something comes along and just kind of nudges you into action. But thank goodness you have thought it through enough, that when the panic starts to boil up its easier to just push it back down and face your fears.
Yesterday, another mom from my area (actually a few minutes away) posted on one of those Facebook "Mommy" boards that I follow, that she was new to the area, and was looking for stuff to do with her son, who is a few months younger than my oldest daughter. I have been putting off going to a playgroup at a community resource centre in our area for a while, the whole anxiety thing and meeting new people crap. Anyhow, I randomly suggested to this complete stranger, that we meet at this particular playgroup with our kids. This in and of itself was huge, and I am not kidding, all afternoon yesterday after I had committed to this, I was making up excuses in my head of how I could back out of this. All I had to do was say my kids kept me up all night (They didn't I slept beautifully) and claim I was still in my PJ's at 10 and say I wasn't going (I had my workout done my 8 and my makeup done my 830)....
I am not joking when I say that I vomited this morning, I literally felt like a hand was clenching my insides into knots. But I left the house, for the first time on my own with both of my girls (another thing that has been causing me anxiety, again I'm not sure why.... they behaved beautifully and carting 2 of them around was no problem....) and I went to the playgroup this morning.
This is where the stuff from before comes into play. I ran into the lady I was meeting outside, she had just pulled up as well, and together we walked to the door. Now I had mentioned visual triggers, and mine just happens to be a certain pattern of floor tiling stuff... I know its really weird, but this stuff was on the floor when a fore mentioned event took place, and in the apartment I grew up in. The last time I walked into a house with this floor, I immediately made a beeline for the nearest garbage can and threw up. 2 weeks later I was "enrolled" in a 30 day therapy thing at the hospital, it helped.
So we walked into the door, and I saw... that floor. I immediately felt like I had swallowed a hot iron, and tears welled in my eyes. My initial reaction was to just simply turn around and walk out, but I had committed to this, and how do you explain to a room full of complete strangers why you walk into the room then immediately walk out and vomit all over the porch...
A miracle happened... I walked into that room, and I focused on the task at hand... which was getting my kids out of jackets and boots, and saying hello.
I made it... I did it... I just didn't think about it, I didn't let that panic up, I pushed it down.
I didn't even immediately realise what had happened, I just sat and talked, and played with my kids, talked to the other kids, talked to other moms, gushed over other babies and I had a really good time.
It wasn't until I got home, and my kids were napping, and I was replaying the whole morning and its victories in my head, that I realised the biggest victory of them all.
This one thing, it was like it owned me and I didn't even realise it. I was a slave without knowing.
And now I am free.
I feel like I weigh 5lbs....
This memory, this pain, this "trigger"... it doesn't own me anymore, it can't hurt me.
This must be what they felt like, after sailing an ocean, for months and months through sickness and miserable conditions, wondering if it was ever going to end... and then one day, out of the blue, you hear the sounds of "land ho" and everyone rushes to starboard and looks out upon a whole new horizon.
This is how it must feel, to go through all the stress and effort to climb Mt. Everest, and then to get to the top...
This is what that feels like...
I am on top of the world right now, there really are no words to totally describe what I am feeling or what I am thinking at this moment. I just know that whatever this is, coursing through my veins, this drug, this high, I want more of it.
I can not forget this victory, or its feeling.
Why did I share this? Because for those of you out there, to whom this story and the feelings described are all too familiar, there is hope. There is peace, and there is calm. And there is joyous jubilation's and excitement, as step by step, you face your fears, and come to terms with the past. Its a very slow process, and I gave up the hope of complete recovery years ago. It seemed that when I admitted to myself, that I was not going to get better, that this was never going to leave, it made it easier to look at it as individual problems, not one giant problem that is anxiety. Anxiety by itself is such a huge thing, but if you can focus on each individual small reason for anxiety, and target them one at a time, it is possible to make progress. And that goes for everything in life, find the problem, figure out how to fix the problem, prepare to fix the problem, and then fix the problem.
I'm done, this has been good, and I am a free bird. I hope you enjoy your day and remember, tomorrow is a new day, and you can always make it better than today. (because sometimes its OK to just totally give up on your day and just say screw it, feed the kids then put them to bed and zone out into Pinterest and Sherlock for 3 hours straight)....
Peace !
I have talked about my anxiety. This post is going to be extremely revealing, so if your not prepared for a huge dose of raw Emma, then please, save yourself and stop reading.
I will start at the beginning. And I am not going into details unless the are specifically tied to the events that unfolded this morning.
I was raped when I was 5. This one moment, has defined EVERYTHING that has happened in my life from that moment. Anyone who shares my pain, knows what I am going through.
When one goes through such a traumatic event, especially at such a young age, it is bound to affect you, and if you think it affects you positively, take the nearest brick and smack some sense into your head. I have dealt with crippling panic attacks and anxiety since I was 5, and the worst part about it is, I did so silently. I was scared. The son of a bitch told me if I ever told anyone, that he would kill my family. He didn't even threaten me, he threatened what I love. It was years before I finally came out with what had happened to me, and started the process of healing. I have conquered anger, hatred, dissent, and so much more. It has been a very slow process, and it is a daily struggle.
My therapist explained "visual triggers" to me. They are something visual, that acts as a trigger. There are constantly triggers in life, that trigger what you feel, and how you react. A touch from a lover or a child for instance, triggers a desire or a longing, or a nurturing and loving feeling. Seeing your child smile at you, and instantly smiling back, that initial smile is a "trigger". However, especially for people who suffer from PTSD, and anxiety etc, there are visual triggers that will instantaneously trigger a panic attack/meltdown/vomiting/shaking/crying/etc...
But that is only part of the story. In my fight for mental stability, I have become a bit of a social recluse. I am perfectly comfortable staying at home and doing absolutely nothing, and talking to a few of my bestest friends on an almost daily basis, via either phone or Facebook. It also doesn't help that a lot of my closest friends with kids do not live in the same city as me.
I have literally found lately, that the thought of making new friends, and putting myself out their as it were, terrifies me. I can't explain it, I was always described as a people person when I was a kid but lately I really have had no desire to socialise.
That being said, I have 2 kids, and as much as I try to fool myself, I am not happy with my current idea of "comfort".
Part of dealing with anxiety, is that if there is a situation that causes you anxiety, you really need to think through EVERYTHING, and then something comes along and just kind of nudges you into action. But thank goodness you have thought it through enough, that when the panic starts to boil up its easier to just push it back down and face your fears.
Yesterday, another mom from my area (actually a few minutes away) posted on one of those Facebook "Mommy" boards that I follow, that she was new to the area, and was looking for stuff to do with her son, who is a few months younger than my oldest daughter. I have been putting off going to a playgroup at a community resource centre in our area for a while, the whole anxiety thing and meeting new people crap. Anyhow, I randomly suggested to this complete stranger, that we meet at this particular playgroup with our kids. This in and of itself was huge, and I am not kidding, all afternoon yesterday after I had committed to this, I was making up excuses in my head of how I could back out of this. All I had to do was say my kids kept me up all night (They didn't I slept beautifully) and claim I was still in my PJ's at 10 and say I wasn't going (I had my workout done my 8 and my makeup done my 830)....
I am not joking when I say that I vomited this morning, I literally felt like a hand was clenching my insides into knots. But I left the house, for the first time on my own with both of my girls (another thing that has been causing me anxiety, again I'm not sure why.... they behaved beautifully and carting 2 of them around was no problem....) and I went to the playgroup this morning.
This is where the stuff from before comes into play. I ran into the lady I was meeting outside, she had just pulled up as well, and together we walked to the door. Now I had mentioned visual triggers, and mine just happens to be a certain pattern of floor tiling stuff... I know its really weird, but this stuff was on the floor when a fore mentioned event took place, and in the apartment I grew up in. The last time I walked into a house with this floor, I immediately made a beeline for the nearest garbage can and threw up. 2 weeks later I was "enrolled" in a 30 day therapy thing at the hospital, it helped.
So we walked into the door, and I saw... that floor. I immediately felt like I had swallowed a hot iron, and tears welled in my eyes. My initial reaction was to just simply turn around and walk out, but I had committed to this, and how do you explain to a room full of complete strangers why you walk into the room then immediately walk out and vomit all over the porch...
A miracle happened... I walked into that room, and I focused on the task at hand... which was getting my kids out of jackets and boots, and saying hello.
I made it... I did it... I just didn't think about it, I didn't let that panic up, I pushed it down.
I didn't even immediately realise what had happened, I just sat and talked, and played with my kids, talked to the other kids, talked to other moms, gushed over other babies and I had a really good time.
It wasn't until I got home, and my kids were napping, and I was replaying the whole morning and its victories in my head, that I realised the biggest victory of them all.
This one thing, it was like it owned me and I didn't even realise it. I was a slave without knowing.
And now I am free.
I feel like I weigh 5lbs....
This memory, this pain, this "trigger"... it doesn't own me anymore, it can't hurt me.
This must be what they felt like, after sailing an ocean, for months and months through sickness and miserable conditions, wondering if it was ever going to end... and then one day, out of the blue, you hear the sounds of "land ho" and everyone rushes to starboard and looks out upon a whole new horizon.
This is how it must feel, to go through all the stress and effort to climb Mt. Everest, and then to get to the top...
This is what that feels like...
I am on top of the world right now, there really are no words to totally describe what I am feeling or what I am thinking at this moment. I just know that whatever this is, coursing through my veins, this drug, this high, I want more of it.
I can not forget this victory, or its feeling.
Why did I share this? Because for those of you out there, to whom this story and the feelings described are all too familiar, there is hope. There is peace, and there is calm. And there is joyous jubilation's and excitement, as step by step, you face your fears, and come to terms with the past. Its a very slow process, and I gave up the hope of complete recovery years ago. It seemed that when I admitted to myself, that I was not going to get better, that this was never going to leave, it made it easier to look at it as individual problems, not one giant problem that is anxiety. Anxiety by itself is such a huge thing, but if you can focus on each individual small reason for anxiety, and target them one at a time, it is possible to make progress. And that goes for everything in life, find the problem, figure out how to fix the problem, prepare to fix the problem, and then fix the problem.
I'm done, this has been good, and I am a free bird. I hope you enjoy your day and remember, tomorrow is a new day, and you can always make it better than today. (because sometimes its OK to just totally give up on your day and just say screw it, feed the kids then put them to bed and zone out into Pinterest and Sherlock for 3 hours straight)....
Peace !
Tuesday 4 February 2014
Breakfast Muffins !!!
I have not blogged for a while, mainly because I have been busy with life and love and baking.
I have developed a recipe for breakfast muffins as I call
them, because I have been eating them for breakfast. They are whole
wheat, with applesauce instead of butter, hemp seed hearts and bananas. I
normally mix them up while I'm cooking dinner in the oven and then once
dinner is out of the oven I pop the muffins in and by the time were done
eating, the muffins are done!
My recipe makes about a dozen big muffins and a dozen mini
muffins which is good because my 19 month old can't get enough of them. I
make my batter and dish it into the muffin tins, then add my extra,
walnuts or blueberries or Sharae's favourite chocolate chip!!!
Banana Walnut for Mama, and Mini Banana Chocolate Chip for the kiddo
Here is the recipe...
3 large ripe or frozen thawed banana
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1/3 cup applesauce
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp hemp seed hearts (opt)
1 tbsp chia seeds (opt)
Prehead Oven to 375 degrees... timing varies, my oven does them in 15 minutes but the recipe said 18-20.... also the muffin tins, spray that shit with Pam... or else your muffins will stick
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1/3 cup applesauce
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp hemp seed hearts (opt)
1 tbsp chia seeds (opt)
Prehead Oven to 375 degrees... timing varies, my oven does them in 15 minutes but the recipe said 18-20.... also the muffin tins, spray that shit with Pam... or else your muffins will stick
Throw the first 4 ingredients in the mixer and blend. Mix the dry ingredients together and add to the mixer.
I normally let it mix about 30 seconds to incorporate most
of the ingredients, but you don't want a lot of air bubbles in your
batter. Then I remove and mix the rest by folding it with a spatula.
If I am only doing one kind of muffin add 3/4 cup of
nuts/fruit/chocolate chips while you fold. If you want to do different
types add the batter to the tins then add the rest and stir around with a
chopstick or something.
There you have it. My new muffin recipe. I personally like
it with walnuts. It makes nice moist muffins that are a hit with my
whole family so whats not to love!!!
I've made these muffins many times this week, and I discovered that I can fit the entire recipe's dry ingredients into these old applesauce container's. (I knew I've been keeping them for something !!! Take that Eric !!! Ha ! ) There is also a bag in the top that has the sugar for the recipe to add with the wet ingredients. This way I just need to throw the wet ingredients into our mixer, which now permanently resides on our counter and then throw this mix into the bowl when its ready !!! Super efficient if you ask me.
On the workout front I have now worked out 16 days in a row
!!! I am super thrilled, I can already feel physical results. More
energy more stamina more strength! I'm not allowed to take pictures or
measurements for another 2 weeks but I will say this. 2 weeks ago I
tried on some old size 29 Chado jeans, and I could hardly squeeze into
them let alone get the button done up. Well yesterday I tried them on,
and low and behold after just more than 2 weeks, I could do up the
button !!! I still cant zip them, and I have a crazy muffin top but its
progress!!! Just like the full 20s plank and 50 squats I can do!!!
Its amazing that in such a short time I can make progress. I
know they say that beauty is on the inside, and that's what matters, and I have to say that I totally agree. That being said, when I do my make-up in the morning, I feel put together, and a little bit more "awake". I've worked on the basics and can do a simple nice look in less than 10 minutes, but lately I have been experimenting with makeup, much to my husbands bank accounts dismay, which I have discovered makes doing my makeup a little less of a "chore" and "one more thing to do in the morning" and a lot more fun ! Even if I don't get around to doing it until 1pm when my kids are napping its still worth it.
How have I been on the mental/emotional front? Doing pretty good, I haven't had any meltdowns lately, a few rough days but nothing that I can't handle. Working out is helping with that as well, its true what they say about released endorphins ! I've tweaked my workout a bit... this is what I am currently doing every day, slowly increasing the amount.
Arm Challenge: 8x push ups, 20 second plank, 8x chair dips (repeated once)
Ab/Squat challenge: 10x sit ups, 10x regular crunches, 10x bicycle crunches, 10x each side crunch twist, 10x reverse crunches and 5x v-up crunch (twice) followed by 40 squats. (the other day I did 50 squats, I was pretty proud but I regretted it later).
The ab routine is killer but it works !!! I normally do this Sunday-Friday (with Sunday as an optional rest day that I have not yet taken) and on Saturday I do yoga !
Ok this post has gone on long enough, perhaps I'll get on my computer long enough tomorrow to write another one.
Have a good night everyone !!!
P.S: Blogger keeps saying I have views, if your reading this, can you leave a comment and say Hi??? I want to know if there are real humans reading this or if the Internet is lying to me :-)
Sunday 19 January 2014
I did it !!!
I'd been avoiding it all day, getting other things done, yet constantly my eyes would drift over to the wall above my computer in the living room. Where I have taped my 30 day challenge on the wall so that I can't miss it and so it is accessible.
I was finally sitting on the couch, eating some salt and vinegar chips, reading Mockingjay while my girls napped, throwing dirty looks at the workout plan I had promised to do, yet really couldn't bring myself to "feel" like working out... So I bucked up and got my ass off the couch. Funny the whole thing took less than 10 minutes and I got to put a shiny star sticker on today's workout.
The result? Breathless and feeling like jello. I have realized that I am hopelessly out of shape. I think I am going to do each day twice, so basically my 30 day challenge to myself is in reality only half of each "challenge", but looking ahead to day 15, doing 45 situps kind of scares the crap out of me right now... So lets make this practical... I'll put stickers on each day twice :-) and the deal is if I miss a day that isn't a "rest" day then I repeat the previous day before proceeding. I don't want to go to far too fast and get overwhelmed and very very sore and give up entirely, so we will keep it practical.
So thats my post today, just letting anyone who reads this know that I did in fact succeed at starting my workout plan. Which is a bit of a big thing for me these days :-P
Now to get on with making 4 shepherds pies for the freezer :-P
I was finally sitting on the couch, eating some salt and vinegar chips, reading Mockingjay while my girls napped, throwing dirty looks at the workout plan I had promised to do, yet really couldn't bring myself to "feel" like working out... So I bucked up and got my ass off the couch. Funny the whole thing took less than 10 minutes and I got to put a shiny star sticker on today's workout.
The result? Breathless and feeling like jello. I have realized that I am hopelessly out of shape. I think I am going to do each day twice, so basically my 30 day challenge to myself is in reality only half of each "challenge", but looking ahead to day 15, doing 45 situps kind of scares the crap out of me right now... So lets make this practical... I'll put stickers on each day twice :-) and the deal is if I miss a day that isn't a "rest" day then I repeat the previous day before proceeding. I don't want to go to far too fast and get overwhelmed and very very sore and give up entirely, so we will keep it practical.
So thats my post today, just letting anyone who reads this know that I did in fact succeed at starting my workout plan. Which is a bit of a big thing for me these days :-P
Now to get on with making 4 shepherds pies for the freezer :-P
Saturday 18 January 2014
Wow, 3 posts today :-P
Because I have nothing better to do today, I'm blogging again... However I am hoping that by doing a post about my 30 day fitness challenge will actually inspire me to do it. I had attempted to start a 20 day challenge, however in involved quite a bit of jumping jacks, and as any breastfeeding mother will tell you, that's not exactly a good idea...
So, here it is !!!
So, here it is !!!
So I found these 3 routines on Pinterest, and they seem simple enough, and require no equipment other than myself and my living room floor. I've printed them off and put them on my wall, right where I can see them every day. I even have shiny star stickers to put on each day as I complete it :-) Alright... I've said I'm going to do it, now the task is to wake up tomorrow and actually do it !!!
Get your shit together girl !
Well, the last 2 days have slowly been getting better. I have literally done NOTHING at all for a few days, mainly keeping my kids fed and happy. Sharae and I decided we both needed purple toes with sparkles. (of course sparkles, you just can't NOT have sparkles, there's some unspoken rule or something).
So today is recovery mode, because as any mother can tell you, if Mommy technically goes MIA off the job for a few days, its like a hurricane happened, as a friend of mine said "Hurricane Sharae". Which pretty much sums it up. I am once again dancing around my living room, doing pirouettes attempting not to step on every Melissa & Doug toy my children have. They are WONDERFUL toys... My kids love them, and I love them (they are entertaining and don't make noise, isn't that why every parent loves them?). I'm sure every parent is with me though when I say that the big wooden shaped beads are almost as bad as Lego to step on... almost.
However I can say that my dishes are done and my kitchen is cleaner, which is a good thing because I want to make cookies this afternoon, and make it messy again. The big question on my mind right now is Cookies or cleaning.... bwahahaha who am I kidding, that's not really a question.
I did make chocolate bars, and as promised I took pictures... but I'm not writing that post today, I'll save it for a day where I need some happy inserted somewhere. For now I am for the most part back to my happy self, which even if that is "just for the time being" I am happy with that and I will make the best of it while I've got it. I have to say so far, with my pact of blogging, I've done pretty good, 4 posts in 10 days. I can live with that.
Now on with my busy day ! Hope yours is as great as I plan to make mine :-)
So today is recovery mode, because as any mother can tell you, if Mommy technically goes MIA off the job for a few days, its like a hurricane happened, as a friend of mine said "Hurricane Sharae". Which pretty much sums it up. I am once again dancing around my living room, doing pirouettes attempting not to step on every Melissa & Doug toy my children have. They are WONDERFUL toys... My kids love them, and I love them (they are entertaining and don't make noise, isn't that why every parent loves them?). I'm sure every parent is with me though when I say that the big wooden shaped beads are almost as bad as Lego to step on... almost.
However I can say that my dishes are done and my kitchen is cleaner, which is a good thing because I want to make cookies this afternoon, and make it messy again. The big question on my mind right now is Cookies or cleaning.... bwahahaha who am I kidding, that's not really a question.
I did make chocolate bars, and as promised I took pictures... but I'm not writing that post today, I'll save it for a day where I need some happy inserted somewhere. For now I am for the most part back to my happy self, which even if that is "just for the time being" I am happy with that and I will make the best of it while I've got it. I have to say so far, with my pact of blogging, I've done pretty good, 4 posts in 10 days. I can live with that.
Now on with my busy day ! Hope yours is as great as I plan to make mine :-)
just a quick thought....
Today, as I put my kids laundry away, I was struck with the thought of "Wasn't there more in the basket when I folded it?". See, its a funny thing, because laundry gets done, folded, and the kids get dressed, yet by the time I get around to putting laundry away, I have less to put away because of course, my laundry basket full of clean folded clothes is in my living room.... this makes it easier to access than their dresser, bringing up the question, what if I just eliminated the dresser and just kept their clothes folded in the laundry bin...
Wednesday 15 January 2014
A brand new day
Well, my bad day that I blogged about last, became a bad week. To be completely honest its been a terrible week, but those who know what its like to struggle with anxiety and panic attacks know how often it is that it is a silent kind of terrible. The kind that simply exists in your mind.
I find I know when a panic attack is imminent, and its amazing how adept I have become at pushing it back, and ignoring its protests at being silenced. Its like there is a great big kettle in my mind, I picture it as a cauldron, and I put things that bother me, and things that stress me out into this cauldron. Well eventually something comes along and basically acts as a "trigger", and it lights a fire under the pot. Well what happens to a pot full of stuff, under heat, it eventually boils over. There is no stopping this from happening, I'm pretty sure there is a scientific explanation for what I am explaining, except that its going on in my head.
So anyway, this last week has been hard. Made doubly hard by the fact that I feel like I am waging a constant war against an army that I created myself. My dishes, my laundry, my messy house, my dogs, my KIDS ! The fact that I have to cook dinner every night... I mean seriously, do they need to eat every night? Now I am making myself laugh, but its true, you can get so caught up in the day to day bullshit, and before you know it your in a hole that you dug yourself.
Why am I being so brutally honest here? I mean its the internet... first off, I don't share this on my personal Facebook page anymore, if your reading this you probably don't know me, but perhaps your going through some of the same things as I am. Perhaps knowing that someone else is on the same journey as yourself can give you a little brightness in your day. And I promise this blog is not going to be all negative with no positives, but this blog is mine, and it belongs to me, it is my emotions, my experiences and my opinions. And lately I have had a hard enough time just getting to the end of my day. But I feel a change in the wind, and better days are coming, I just need to take it one day at a time and get back to where I'm more in touch with my inner happy.
I'm going to make chocolate bar's tonight, perhaps I will take pictures and write up a nice blog post about that tomorrow :-) Cheers !
I find I know when a panic attack is imminent, and its amazing how adept I have become at pushing it back, and ignoring its protests at being silenced. Its like there is a great big kettle in my mind, I picture it as a cauldron, and I put things that bother me, and things that stress me out into this cauldron. Well eventually something comes along and basically acts as a "trigger", and it lights a fire under the pot. Well what happens to a pot full of stuff, under heat, it eventually boils over. There is no stopping this from happening, I'm pretty sure there is a scientific explanation for what I am explaining, except that its going on in my head.
So anyway, this last week has been hard. Made doubly hard by the fact that I feel like I am waging a constant war against an army that I created myself. My dishes, my laundry, my messy house, my dogs, my KIDS ! The fact that I have to cook dinner every night... I mean seriously, do they need to eat every night? Now I am making myself laugh, but its true, you can get so caught up in the day to day bullshit, and before you know it your in a hole that you dug yourself.
Why am I being so brutally honest here? I mean its the internet... first off, I don't share this on my personal Facebook page anymore, if your reading this you probably don't know me, but perhaps your going through some of the same things as I am. Perhaps knowing that someone else is on the same journey as yourself can give you a little brightness in your day. And I promise this blog is not going to be all negative with no positives, but this blog is mine, and it belongs to me, it is my emotions, my experiences and my opinions. And lately I have had a hard enough time just getting to the end of my day. But I feel a change in the wind, and better days are coming, I just need to take it one day at a time and get back to where I'm more in touch with my inner happy.
I'm going to make chocolate bar's tonight, perhaps I will take pictures and write up a nice blog post about that tomorrow :-) Cheers !
Wednesday 8 January 2014
And here we go... again...
So its been a while since I "blogged", so long that I deleted all of my previous sporadic posts and I am starting afresh.
I need a place to vent some of my frustrations, celebrate some of my achievements and basically just let it all out. I'm not sure why but I've had a few bad day's recently. Totally acceptable, I mean all of us are entitled to our bad days, its just that I seem to have so very few of them, that when I have a bad day, I have a REALLY bad day. The feeling is so foreign to me that its honestly a semi-traumatic experience.
I used to wage a silent struggle with anxiety and frequent panic attacks, and while I have made huge leaps forward in dealing with and finding coping mechanisms, I still have bad days. This is what I mean by semi-traumatic, because a bad day for me means trying with all my might and emotional strength to fight off what I know is an oncoming full blown panic attack, simply to just totally blow up and lose it. And when I lose it I lose it bad. You would think I would just learn, that when I feel it coming to just let it come and get it over with, but the human mind does not work like that, at least mine doesn't.
I'll admit, I spend a lot of energy simply holding it together for the sake of my 2 kids, who do not need to see me in, to quote Anne Shirley "The depths of despair". And for the most part I am successful, but I'll admit, I'm human. We had a moment yesterday, where not only were both my girls bawling their eyes out, but I was too. Sitting on the couch with my girls, just bawling. Once they realized that I was crying just as hard as they were, its amazing how quiet both of them went, and how calming that quiet was to me. Sharae started stroking my head and Teyla was just looking at me, and I realised that I had just shown my girls a part of me. The part of me that isn't just "Mommy".
We become so absorbed with being "Mom", or being "Wife", it dawned on me that I really, really despite trying, have NOT been spending time on being "Emma". I needed that wake up call, that realization that I need to spend time just being me for a bit each day, because when Mom has a bad day, everyone has a bad day. Imagining doing more for myself is not the same as doing it, and I need to get my ass in gear.
I need a place to vent some of my frustrations, celebrate some of my achievements and basically just let it all out. I'm not sure why but I've had a few bad day's recently. Totally acceptable, I mean all of us are entitled to our bad days, its just that I seem to have so very few of them, that when I have a bad day, I have a REALLY bad day. The feeling is so foreign to me that its honestly a semi-traumatic experience.
I used to wage a silent struggle with anxiety and frequent panic attacks, and while I have made huge leaps forward in dealing with and finding coping mechanisms, I still have bad days. This is what I mean by semi-traumatic, because a bad day for me means trying with all my might and emotional strength to fight off what I know is an oncoming full blown panic attack, simply to just totally blow up and lose it. And when I lose it I lose it bad. You would think I would just learn, that when I feel it coming to just let it come and get it over with, but the human mind does not work like that, at least mine doesn't.
I'll admit, I spend a lot of energy simply holding it together for the sake of my 2 kids, who do not need to see me in, to quote Anne Shirley "The depths of despair". And for the most part I am successful, but I'll admit, I'm human. We had a moment yesterday, where not only were both my girls bawling their eyes out, but I was too. Sitting on the couch with my girls, just bawling. Once they realized that I was crying just as hard as they were, its amazing how quiet both of them went, and how calming that quiet was to me. Sharae started stroking my head and Teyla was just looking at me, and I realised that I had just shown my girls a part of me. The part of me that isn't just "Mommy".
We become so absorbed with being "Mom", or being "Wife", it dawned on me that I really, really despite trying, have NOT been spending time on being "Emma". I needed that wake up call, that realization that I need to spend time just being me for a bit each day, because when Mom has a bad day, everyone has a bad day. Imagining doing more for myself is not the same as doing it, and I need to get my ass in gear.
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