Today has been, seriously an amazing awe inspiring day. I can't explain it really, and I am still trying to process what happened today. I guess I am hoping that writing it down will help me kind of make sense of this wondrous feeling and electricity that is currently running through my veins.
I have talked about my anxiety. This post is going to be extremely revealing, so if your not prepared for a huge dose of raw Emma, then please, save yourself and stop reading.
I will start at the beginning. And I am not going into details unless the are specifically tied to the events that unfolded this morning.
I was raped when I was 5. This one moment, has defined EVERYTHING that has happened in my life from that moment. Anyone who shares my pain, knows what I am going through.
When one goes through such a traumatic event, especially at such a young age, it is bound to affect you, and if you think it affects you positively, take the nearest brick and smack some sense into your head. I have dealt with crippling panic attacks and anxiety since I was 5, and the worst part about it is, I did so silently. I was scared. The son of a bitch told me if I ever told anyone, that he would kill my family. He didn't even threaten me, he threatened what I love. It was years before I finally came out with what had happened to me, and started the process of healing. I have conquered anger, hatred, dissent, and so much more. It has been a very slow process, and it is a daily struggle.
My therapist explained "visual triggers" to me. They are something visual, that acts as a trigger. There are constantly triggers in life, that trigger what you feel, and how you react. A touch from a lover or a child for instance, triggers a desire or a longing, or a nurturing and loving feeling. Seeing your child smile at you, and instantly smiling back, that initial smile is a "trigger". However, especially for people who suffer from PTSD, and anxiety etc, there are visual triggers that will instantaneously trigger a panic attack/meltdown/vomiting/shaking/crying/etc...
But that is only part of the story. In my fight for mental stability, I have become a bit of a social recluse. I am perfectly comfortable staying at home and doing absolutely nothing, and talking to a few of my bestest friends on an almost daily basis, via either phone or Facebook. It also doesn't help that a lot of my closest friends with kids do not live in the same city as me.
I have literally found lately, that the thought of making new friends, and putting myself out their as it were, terrifies me. I can't explain it, I was always described as a people person when I was a kid but lately I really have had no desire to socialise.
That being said, I have 2 kids, and as much as I try to fool myself, I am not happy with my current idea of "comfort".
Part of dealing with anxiety, is that if there is a situation that causes you anxiety, you really need to think through EVERYTHING, and then something comes along and just kind of nudges you into action. But thank goodness you have thought it through enough, that when the panic starts to boil up its easier to just push it back down and face your fears.
Yesterday, another mom from my area (actually a few minutes away) posted on one of those Facebook "Mommy" boards that I follow, that she was new to the area, and was looking for stuff to do with her son, who is a few months younger than my oldest daughter. I have been putting off going to a playgroup at a community resource centre in our area for a while, the whole anxiety thing and meeting new people crap. Anyhow, I randomly suggested to this complete stranger, that we meet at this particular playgroup with our kids. This in and of itself was huge, and I am not kidding, all afternoon yesterday after I had committed to this, I was making up excuses in my head of how I could back out of this. All I had to do was say my kids kept me up all night (They didn't I slept beautifully) and claim I was still in my PJ's at 10 and say I wasn't going (I had my workout done my 8 and my makeup done my 830)....
I am not joking when I say that I vomited this morning, I literally felt like a hand was clenching my insides into knots. But I left the house, for the first time on my own with both of my girls (another thing that has been causing me anxiety, again I'm not sure why.... they behaved beautifully and carting 2 of them around was no problem....) and I went to the playgroup this morning.
This is where the stuff from before comes into play. I ran into the lady I was meeting outside, she had just pulled up as well, and together we walked to the door. Now I had mentioned visual triggers, and mine just happens to be a certain pattern of floor tiling stuff... I know its really weird, but this stuff was on the floor when a fore mentioned event took place, and in the apartment I grew up in. The last time I walked into a house with this floor, I immediately made a beeline for the nearest garbage can and threw up. 2 weeks later I was "enrolled" in a 30 day therapy thing at the hospital, it helped.
So we walked into the door, and I saw... that floor. I immediately felt like I had swallowed a hot iron, and tears welled in my eyes. My initial reaction was to just simply turn around and walk out, but I had committed to this, and how do you explain to a room full of complete strangers why you walk into the room then immediately walk out and vomit all over the porch...
A miracle happened... I walked into that room, and I focused on the task at hand... which was getting my kids out of jackets and boots, and saying hello.
I made it... I did it... I just didn't think about it, I didn't let that panic up, I pushed it down.
I didn't even immediately realise what had happened, I just sat and talked, and played with my kids, talked to the other kids, talked to other moms, gushed over other babies and I had a really good time.
It wasn't until I got home, and my kids were napping, and I was replaying the whole morning and its victories in my head, that I realised the biggest victory of them all.
This one thing, it was like it owned me and I didn't even realise it. I was a slave without knowing.
And now I am free.
I feel like I weigh 5lbs....
This memory, this pain, this "trigger"... it doesn't own me anymore, it can't hurt me.
This must be what they felt like, after sailing an ocean, for months and months through sickness and miserable conditions, wondering if it was ever going to end... and then one day, out of the blue, you hear the sounds of "land ho" and everyone rushes to starboard and looks out upon a whole new horizon.
This is how it must feel, to go through all the stress and effort to climb Mt. Everest, and then to get to the top...
This is what that feels like...
I am on top of the world right now, there really are no words to totally describe what I am feeling or what I am thinking at this moment. I just know that whatever this is, coursing through my veins, this drug, this high, I want more of it.
I can not forget this victory, or its feeling.
Why did I share this? Because for those of you out there, to whom this story and the feelings described are all too familiar, there is hope. There is peace, and there is calm. And there is joyous jubilation's and excitement, as step by step, you face your fears, and come to terms with the past. Its a very slow process, and I gave up the hope of complete recovery years ago. It seemed that when I admitted to myself, that I was not going to get better, that this was never going to leave, it made it easier to look at it as individual problems, not one giant problem that is anxiety. Anxiety by itself is such a huge thing, but if you can focus on each individual small reason for anxiety, and target them one at a time, it is possible to make progress. And that goes for everything in life, find the problem, figure out how to fix the problem, prepare to fix the problem, and then fix the problem.
I'm done, this has been good, and I am a free bird. I hope you enjoy your day and remember, tomorrow is a new day, and you can always make it better than today. (because sometimes its OK to just totally give up on your day and just say screw it, feed the kids then put them to bed and zone out into Pinterest and Sherlock for 3 hours straight)....
Peace !
No comments:
Post a Comment