And here we go... again...

So its been a while since I "blogged", so long that I deleted all of my previous sporadic posts and I am starting afresh. 

I need a place to vent some of my frustrations, celebrate some of my achievements and basically just let it all out. I'm not sure why but I've had a few bad day's recently. Totally acceptable, I mean all of us are entitled to our bad days, its just that I seem to have so very few of them, that when I have a bad day, I have a REALLY bad day. The feeling is so foreign to me that its honestly a semi-traumatic experience.

I used to wage a silent struggle with anxiety and frequent panic attacks, and while I have made huge leaps forward in dealing with and finding coping mechanisms, I still have bad days. This is what I mean by semi-traumatic, because a bad day for me means trying with all my might and emotional strength to fight off what I know is an oncoming full blown panic attack, simply to just totally blow up and lose it. And when I lose it I lose it bad. You would think I would just learn, that when I feel it coming to just let it come and get it over with, but the human mind does not work like that, at least mine doesn't. 

I'll admit, I spend a lot of energy simply holding it together for the sake of my 2 kids, who do not need to see me in, to quote Anne Shirley "The depths of despair". And for the most part I am successful, but I'll admit, I'm human.  We had a moment yesterday, where not only were both my girls bawling their eyes out, but I was too. Sitting on the couch with my girls, just bawling. Once they realized that I was crying just as hard as they were, its amazing how quiet both of them went, and how calming that quiet was to me. Sharae started stroking my head and Teyla was just looking at me, and I realised that I had just shown my girls a part of me. The part of me that isn't just "Mommy". 

We become so absorbed with being "Mom", or being "Wife", it dawned on me that I really, really despite trying, have NOT been spending time on being "Emma". I needed that wake up call, that realization that I need to spend time just being me for a bit each day, because when Mom has a bad day, everyone has a bad day. Imagining doing more for myself is not the same as doing it, and I need to get my ass in gear.