I am a new member to a few PTSD support groups on facebook, specifically for women. We all have different stories, yet a lot of our symptoms are the same. I am extremely grateful for this group of women, today even more so.
I was in a really bad relationship in my past, its a time I refer to as "the dark ages" and other than that I don't speak of it. He was verbally, mentally and physically abusive.
This morning, I had a flash-back from this time, I was in bed, with Eric, Sharae and the dogs, just laughing and tickling and having a good time, which is saying something. A nightmare woke me up at 130 and I have been up ever since I have been awake, which was made even more fun (and thankfully distracting) by the fact that both of my sick kids were up with me.
Anyway, our dog Baxter, a wonderful dog, got defencive of me when Eric was tickling me, he is a very keen dog and seems to be this protective of me especially in times when I really am not myself. He actually went right over me and crouched over me getting between me and Eric. His leg ended up digging right into my rib-cage, which is still recovering from Teyla stretching it out and it ended up sending shooting pain through 3 of my ribs which were continuously broken before getting a chance to heal, over and over again.
In that moment I was not where I was, I was transported back years, to a moment and a feeling and an experience I wish on no person.
The fact that I was engaged in such a happy moment, allowed the full effect of a normal "flash-back" not to attack my soul, however that being said....
My wolves are slightly different than the 2 here, at least they represent different things, but the concept is the same.
We just re-arranged our entire living-room yesterday, some setting up and little organising needs to be done but the whole effect has been refreshing on my soul, and I really like how it has changed. I have a sick toddler who needs my attention, a kitchen that needs cleaning, and dinner that needs making. I can not, I repeat, I CAN NOT afford to be off my game today.
And then flash-back... anyone who knows what I am talking about, knows what I am talking about. Every fibre of my inner being is fighting the stress, the bubbling panic, the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.
So, here is what I am doing...
1: Blogging... and thinking... the two go hand in hand, I had this blog sort of planned out all morning in my head, fine-tuned it while putting Sharae to nap, and now, FINALLY I am getting it done.
2: Playing with my kids. They make me smile, they make me laugh. Playing play dough, singing songs, the list goes on and on... My children are the greatest distraction that I have.
3: hugging Eric, when he's home. I love the safety of his arms, the warmth and the strength. Not to mention hugging releases endorphins that make you feel good :-)
And here is the big thing, I did this last night, not sure if I for-saw that I would need this, but I made a list of ALL things I needed/wanted to do today. I cut up that list into individual pieces of paper, folded them, and put them in a jar. Now when I am having a moment, I can go to the jar, pull something out, and DO IT !!! Thus providing a distraction, getting something done, and the mystery of not knowing what I am about to be doing, lets just say I feel like I am 5 again.
Gotta get off the computer now and give the kiddo a snack, hope everyone is having a good day, and think about your wolves, and which one you feed today !
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