Ugh this month has been HELL !
Yet its starting to get better. Mom has her Mojo back as I like to call it. I've been really struggling to find it lately, but I got it back ! And I am holding on for dear life to not let it go.
My house is finally looking like someone sane lives in it, maybe I will get around to inviting someone over this week.... we shall see.
I have had a lot of mental epiphanies this week, from recognising and acknowledging sources of anxiety, to figuring them out in my head... Processing !!!
I am going to refer back to my "mind palace" because I am not fully aware of the fact that I do indeed do this, maybe not in the way described, but I do have a way of compartmentalizing facts and emotions in my head, figuring out my thoughts and feelings, if I want to think them or feel them now or put them away to deal with later.
I am very good at putting things away to deal with later, just ask my Husband... this is something I do in my mind, and also emulate in real life. (Look at that... something I just figured out by typing it out in this blog... even if no one reads this POC I at least can get some good out of it)
I have been working the last few days on dealing with some of my stuff that I have put away for dealing with later.... That later is NOW... My bedroom is finally looking like a bedroom, my living room looks like people live in it, not simply "inhabit" it... I started taking my hubbies bachelor pad and turning it into a family home, and I got caught up in the making of the family and neglected the growing of my home....
It is all a work in progress, but does it make sense that I am finally falling in love with my space?
I am finally falling in love with myself?
I am finally allowing LOVE?
Pure ! Unadulterated LOVE !!!
Wow... I'm going to bed...
Saturday 8 March 2014
Tuesday 25 February 2014
Which Wolf...
I am a new member to a few PTSD support groups on facebook, specifically for women. We all have different stories, yet a lot of our symptoms are the same. I am extremely grateful for this group of women, today even more so.
I was in a really bad relationship in my past, its a time I refer to as "the dark ages" and other than that I don't speak of it. He was verbally, mentally and physically abusive.
This morning, I had a flash-back from this time, I was in bed, with Eric, Sharae and the dogs, just laughing and tickling and having a good time, which is saying something. A nightmare woke me up at 130 and I have been up ever since I have been awake, which was made even more fun (and thankfully distracting) by the fact that both of my sick kids were up with me.
Anyway, our dog Baxter, a wonderful dog, got defencive of me when Eric was tickling me, he is a very keen dog and seems to be this protective of me especially in times when I really am not myself. He actually went right over me and crouched over me getting between me and Eric. His leg ended up digging right into my rib-cage, which is still recovering from Teyla stretching it out and it ended up sending shooting pain through 3 of my ribs which were continuously broken before getting a chance to heal, over and over again.
In that moment I was not where I was, I was transported back years, to a moment and a feeling and an experience I wish on no person.
The fact that I was engaged in such a happy moment, allowed the full effect of a normal "flash-back" not to attack my soul, however that being said....
My wolves are slightly different than the 2 here, at least they represent different things, but the concept is the same.
We just re-arranged our entire living-room yesterday, some setting up and little organising needs to be done but the whole effect has been refreshing on my soul, and I really like how it has changed. I have a sick toddler who needs my attention, a kitchen that needs cleaning, and dinner that needs making. I can not, I repeat, I CAN NOT afford to be off my game today.
And then flash-back... anyone who knows what I am talking about, knows what I am talking about. Every fibre of my inner being is fighting the stress, the bubbling panic, the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.
So, here is what I am doing...
1: Blogging... and thinking... the two go hand in hand, I had this blog sort of planned out all morning in my head, fine-tuned it while putting Sharae to nap, and now, FINALLY I am getting it done.
2: Playing with my kids. They make me smile, they make me laugh. Playing play dough, singing songs, the list goes on and on... My children are the greatest distraction that I have.
3: hugging Eric, when he's home. I love the safety of his arms, the warmth and the strength. Not to mention hugging releases endorphins that make you feel good :-)
And here is the big thing, I did this last night, not sure if I for-saw that I would need this, but I made a list of ALL things I needed/wanted to do today. I cut up that list into individual pieces of paper, folded them, and put them in a jar. Now when I am having a moment, I can go to the jar, pull something out, and DO IT !!! Thus providing a distraction, getting something done, and the mystery of not knowing what I am about to be doing, lets just say I feel like I am 5 again.
Gotta get off the computer now and give the kiddo a snack, hope everyone is having a good day, and think about your wolves, and which one you feed today !
Saturday 22 February 2014
Full work-out post...
I've already said I did it. I set out a challenge to work out 30 days in a row. And I did. I am seriously so freeking proud of myself, and I have not lost the momentum. After my 30 days, I celebrated by taking a day off, I was dealing with a lot mentally that day as it was and that was exhausting enough, but I picked right back up and haven't missed a day since.
So here it is... This is what I was doing by the end of my work out. I started small, and eventually worked my way up to this, I was so woefully out of shape, but even this has been huge for me :-)
10 push-ups
30 second plank
10 chair dips
*I still do wimp push ups on my knees, same with the plank, but I will get to the real ones eventually. This is repeated twice ! This is for the arms. I am going to change/add some stuff for arms that involves the use of my 5lb weights (yes 5lb... its what I have hahaha)
This next part is for abs/legs
15 sit ups
15 crunches
15 bicycle crunches
15 v-up crunches
15 twist crunches
15 reverse crunches
15 long arm crunches
Followed by 30 squats (I was doing 50, but my thighs are getting bigger, and I'm not so keen on that, so I need to figure out something else for legs but for the time being I have decreased the squats.
I have recently added a Yoga sun salutation routine to the beginning and end of my work out.
So, after 30 days, what were the results. First off, a Challenge. Any body working out... TAKE BEFORE PICTURES... 4 pictures, from all sides.... and hide them away. Don't look at them. Also, take your measurements, arms, legs, chest, waist, etc... And then stick to it... whatever you do, stick to it for 30 days. You can also weigh yourself, but I really would not pay too much attention to this number over the next 30 days.
After 30 days, what did I see... My legs and arms had gotten bigger, but I also have muscle when I flex now :-) which is exciting. My boobs didn't change, hips didn't change, but the biggest change of all, was losing 3.5 inches around my waist at the belly button !!!
The fact that I am breastfeeding comes into play with the fact that I literally am not watching what I eat at all. Getting an entire caramel bar pie is not un-heard of for me, takes me a few days to eat but I am not holding back so far as calories are concerned. I am trying my best to fill my families stomach with whole healthy foods, as opposed to overly processed foods, the fact that we are going through about 4+ bunches of Banana's in 2 weeks for eating/smoothies/muffins not to mention all the fruit my toddler eats I'd say were doing pretty good :-)
I feel healthy, I have more energy, more stamina and more strength. I am also sort of fitting into those size 29 jeans a whole lot better than I was 5 weeks ago :-)
Stick to it, set your goals, and focus on the positives !!!
So here it is... This is what I was doing by the end of my work out. I started small, and eventually worked my way up to this, I was so woefully out of shape, but even this has been huge for me :-)
10 push-ups
30 second plank
10 chair dips
*I still do wimp push ups on my knees, same with the plank, but I will get to the real ones eventually. This is repeated twice ! This is for the arms. I am going to change/add some stuff for arms that involves the use of my 5lb weights (yes 5lb... its what I have hahaha)
This next part is for abs/legs
15 sit ups
15 crunches
15 bicycle crunches
15 v-up crunches
15 twist crunches
15 reverse crunches
15 long arm crunches
Followed by 30 squats (I was doing 50, but my thighs are getting bigger, and I'm not so keen on that, so I need to figure out something else for legs but for the time being I have decreased the squats.
I have recently added a Yoga sun salutation routine to the beginning and end of my work out.
So, after 30 days, what were the results. First off, a Challenge. Any body working out... TAKE BEFORE PICTURES... 4 pictures, from all sides.... and hide them away. Don't look at them. Also, take your measurements, arms, legs, chest, waist, etc... And then stick to it... whatever you do, stick to it for 30 days. You can also weigh yourself, but I really would not pay too much attention to this number over the next 30 days.
After 30 days, what did I see... My legs and arms had gotten bigger, but I also have muscle when I flex now :-) which is exciting. My boobs didn't change, hips didn't change, but the biggest change of all, was losing 3.5 inches around my waist at the belly button !!!
The fact that I am breastfeeding comes into play with the fact that I literally am not watching what I eat at all. Getting an entire caramel bar pie is not un-heard of for me, takes me a few days to eat but I am not holding back so far as calories are concerned. I am trying my best to fill my families stomach with whole healthy foods, as opposed to overly processed foods, the fact that we are going through about 4+ bunches of Banana's in 2 weeks for eating/smoothies/muffins not to mention all the fruit my toddler eats I'd say were doing pretty good :-)
I feel healthy, I have more energy, more stamina and more strength. I am also sort of fitting into those size 29 jeans a whole lot better than I was 5 weeks ago :-)
Stick to it, set your goals, and focus on the positives !!!
A busy day, and a few things to look forward to :-)
I have a lot to do today, but I am taking some time to write, because I am making it a goal to do this at least every other day.
March has 31 days, and I am in the process of making up a "game plan" of things I would like to accomplish and get done, learn, do etc in the Month of March.
I just recenly finished a 30 day fitness challenge (which was to excersise 30 days in a row, I suceeded). I am very proud of myself for sticking to it, because sticking to things like that, is something that I have struggled with greatly in the past.
I am re-activating my consultant status with Arbonne, a product that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I not only love the 35% discount, but being able to share this and be a connection to this amazing product for people around me, is an added bonus. I made the mistake last time of signing up just mere months after having a baby, and I am determined to actually have success in this business venture this time around. But more on that later.
I am starting to write and plan a series of blog posts on "products that I love". I can guarantee you will see a LOT of Arbonne in that series :-)
My one goal, is to make enough money to take an online Photography 101 class that is very highly recommended. It has been years since I have done anything so far as "school" where there is assignments and homework and stuff, but we just got a bad ass Canon camera for Christmas, its the Rebel EOS T3i and to be completely honest, I am TOTALLY lost. However in March, I am going to do a 31 day Photography challenge. So we shall see how that goes.
I have some sewing projects I would like to accomplish, my sewing machine has been sitting getting dusty for too long, and I am also eager to start figuring out how to use my new surger that is still sitting in the box because I am literally afraid of the thing.... don't ask me why but it just is such a whole new learning curve, and right now the thought of that fills me with fear, but it is a fear that I really want to face, because I still need to make a bunch of wipes, and a surger would increase the speed and value of what I am making by a huge amount. By the way, I have no idea if I am spelling surger right but there you are.
Tonight my husband is going to take the mattresses out of our spare room and put them in the basement for the time being, and I will finally be able to get in there and start setting the office up. Eventually the computer will be in there, but I can't wait to have a space where my sewing machine can be permanently set up :-) and making that space into a beautiful work environment is something that I am greatly looking forward too. I bought a Scentsy warmer for the office, I agonised for hours over which one I wanted, and it is sitting in the box, waiting for that room to be set up so that it can be set up as well and fill the space with the scent of hazelnut latte :-)
I have to get going, hungry kids are calling and so is my laundry and dishes. I promised Sharae we would make cookies today, and I know she is to young to hold me to that, but a promise is a promise, and I really want cookies !
Have a wonderful day !!!
March has 31 days, and I am in the process of making up a "game plan" of things I would like to accomplish and get done, learn, do etc in the Month of March.
I just recenly finished a 30 day fitness challenge (which was to excersise 30 days in a row, I suceeded). I am very proud of myself for sticking to it, because sticking to things like that, is something that I have struggled with greatly in the past.
I am re-activating my consultant status with Arbonne, a product that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I not only love the 35% discount, but being able to share this and be a connection to this amazing product for people around me, is an added bonus. I made the mistake last time of signing up just mere months after having a baby, and I am determined to actually have success in this business venture this time around. But more on that later.
I am starting to write and plan a series of blog posts on "products that I love". I can guarantee you will see a LOT of Arbonne in that series :-)
My one goal, is to make enough money to take an online Photography 101 class that is very highly recommended. It has been years since I have done anything so far as "school" where there is assignments and homework and stuff, but we just got a bad ass Canon camera for Christmas, its the Rebel EOS T3i and to be completely honest, I am TOTALLY lost. However in March, I am going to do a 31 day Photography challenge. So we shall see how that goes.
I have some sewing projects I would like to accomplish, my sewing machine has been sitting getting dusty for too long, and I am also eager to start figuring out how to use my new surger that is still sitting in the box because I am literally afraid of the thing.... don't ask me why but it just is such a whole new learning curve, and right now the thought of that fills me with fear, but it is a fear that I really want to face, because I still need to make a bunch of wipes, and a surger would increase the speed and value of what I am making by a huge amount. By the way, I have no idea if I am spelling surger right but there you are.
Tonight my husband is going to take the mattresses out of our spare room and put them in the basement for the time being, and I will finally be able to get in there and start setting the office up. Eventually the computer will be in there, but I can't wait to have a space where my sewing machine can be permanently set up :-) and making that space into a beautiful work environment is something that I am greatly looking forward too. I bought a Scentsy warmer for the office, I agonised for hours over which one I wanted, and it is sitting in the box, waiting for that room to be set up so that it can be set up as well and fill the space with the scent of hazelnut latte :-)
I have to get going, hungry kids are calling and so is my laundry and dishes. I promised Sharae we would make cookies today, and I know she is to young to hold me to that, but a promise is a promise, and I really want cookies !
Have a wonderful day !!!
Thursday 20 February 2014
Beads and Baubles
These have been interesting days, my mind is racing, and processing so much. And oddly enough it is not over-whelming me too much. Which is saying something because some of the stuff I am dealing with mentally is some pretty deep shit.
Lately I have had moments, where I lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes or so, and I got to thinking the other day, as I sat in our relatively un-used and un-practical master-bath, that if I was going to be sitting in that space, calming down, I needed to make it a space that reflected me, and inspired me. A place of beauty and peace. A bathroom....
I moved some shelves around fully cleaned all the fixtures and the floors. I printed off some inspirational poster things to put on the wall, to read in dark moments. I dug out my box of baubles and beads that had been put away when we were moving rooms around. Its been ages since I've seen these treasures. My daughter really enjoyed looking at each new bauble and squealed in delight at brightly coloured stones, a little Buddha statue, little glass bottles.
I made it a beautiful room, in which to make myself beautiful (daily routine stuff etc) and also a place where I could vent and calm down, and read things that inspire me and make me laugh.
Lately I have had moments, where I lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes or so, and I got to thinking the other day, as I sat in our relatively un-used and un-practical master-bath, that if I was going to be sitting in that space, calming down, I needed to make it a space that reflected me, and inspired me. A place of beauty and peace. A bathroom....
I moved some shelves around fully cleaned all the fixtures and the floors. I printed off some inspirational poster things to put on the wall, to read in dark moments. I dug out my box of baubles and beads that had been put away when we were moving rooms around. Its been ages since I've seen these treasures. My daughter really enjoyed looking at each new bauble and squealed in delight at brightly coloured stones, a little Buddha statue, little glass bottles.
I made it a beautiful room, in which to make myself beautiful (daily routine stuff etc) and also a place where I could vent and calm down, and read things that inspire me and make me laugh.
I am so very in love with this space, the flower I wore in my hair at my best friends wedding, My collection of Turtles from all over the world, a piece of broken ceramics from a jug my Mom used to have when I was a kid, a shell and a piece of coral from our trip to Vancouver when I was 4, a piece of lace that was hand made for me by a dear friend of mine.
This was a fun day ! I have also pulled my beads out to make some jewellry, but I'll post about that tomorrow :-) Good night Internet !!!
Tuesday 18 February 2014
Holy Mind Palace !!!
Yes I am Sherlocked.... and a Cumber Cookie.... a sherlockian.... if you don't know the significance of those words than you don't deserve to.
I was very impressed by the concept of a "Mind Palace". Sherlock has one, in his mind, a place, where he puts stuff... information, memories, SHIT !!! So you don't have to think about it constantly yet can go into your mind palace and peruse its contents at your leisure....
What an AMAZING thing !!! Am I not right?
So I researched it....
Here is a Link on the "Method of Loci"
And here is a Link for "How to Build a Memory Palace"
It really is fascinating stuff.
Then I realised, I have already got a mind palace. This is really no different from how I store information in my mind about my trauma, and put it away sort of until I am ready to process it. Its how I am able to put a source of my anxiety completely and totally away sometimes. If I leave the door of my palace open, anything can happen. And sometimes a breeze pushes the door open and lets stuff out but I have a place where I can put this stuff.
I am really kind of blown away at myself right now. I've managed this last week to really focus on a lot of stuff that has been causing me a great deal of anxiety, and slowly things are getting better, but at the same time it feels like it is getting worse. The door has been open for too long, and that draft is starting to chill my bones.
I recently came into some groups on Facebook, devoted to women like me who suffer from PTSD. It is amazing to see how they encourage each other through their day to day struggles, and how they know that it is a safe place to completely vent what is going on, because they are surrounded by people who know exactly what they are feeling.
I am starting to feel like I have a new lease on life right now, I just need to ease into things slowly, so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
On the work-out front, I took my first break after 30 days today ! Took my measurements yesterday, not a whole lot to report except for a loss of 3.5 inches around the middle !!!
Have a good night Internet !
I was very impressed by the concept of a "Mind Palace". Sherlock has one, in his mind, a place, where he puts stuff... information, memories, SHIT !!! So you don't have to think about it constantly yet can go into your mind palace and peruse its contents at your leisure....
What an AMAZING thing !!! Am I not right?
So I researched it....
Here is a Link on the "Method of Loci"
And here is a Link for "How to Build a Memory Palace"
It really is fascinating stuff.
Then I realised, I have already got a mind palace. This is really no different from how I store information in my mind about my trauma, and put it away sort of until I am ready to process it. Its how I am able to put a source of my anxiety completely and totally away sometimes. If I leave the door of my palace open, anything can happen. And sometimes a breeze pushes the door open and lets stuff out but I have a place where I can put this stuff.
I am really kind of blown away at myself right now. I've managed this last week to really focus on a lot of stuff that has been causing me a great deal of anxiety, and slowly things are getting better, but at the same time it feels like it is getting worse. The door has been open for too long, and that draft is starting to chill my bones.
I recently came into some groups on Facebook, devoted to women like me who suffer from PTSD. It is amazing to see how they encourage each other through their day to day struggles, and how they know that it is a safe place to completely vent what is going on, because they are surrounded by people who know exactly what they are feeling.
I am starting to feel like I have a new lease on life right now, I just need to ease into things slowly, so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
On the work-out front, I took my first break after 30 days today ! Took my measurements yesterday, not a whole lot to report except for a loss of 3.5 inches around the middle !!!
Have a good night Internet !
Wednesday 12 February 2014
Workout Update !
Little update, today I completed day 25 of my workout. I skipped one day, but cleaned my entire house, so it still counted as a workout ! I'll do another update post when I get to day 30, but I am actually getting excited about re-doing my measurements in 5 days !!!!
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